We hear that, in order to quit for good, alcoholics and addicts need to “hit bottom.” I envision addicts crashing spread-eagled to the bottom of mine shafts supposedly dug by themselves. It’s a violent image full of breakage. Before they hit, though, half a million die in the U.S. per year while they’re falling.
I wrestle and thrash to answer for myself how I stopped drinking. I didn’t hit bottom. I could start drinking tomorrow as I did 17 months ago, in the private hell of the privacy of my own home.
Photo courtesy of Justin Cook, The Roanoke Times, June 7, 2010
I am urged by people in recovery such as this good friend to not ask how I stopped, to focus on myself and my own recovery, to accept that recovery is an individual process.
If each person has to discover on his or her own how to stop drinking and drugging, then what in the world am I doing sitting in a room as a group therapist with people who are trying to quit drinking and drugging? It’s my job to help. I refuse to throw up my hands with an “Oh, this is too hard, addiction is a mystery, they’re not ready yet, they haven’t hit bottom,” and on and on.
I see recovery as two parts: 1) Stop. 2) Stay stopped.
How to achieve part 2, to stay stopped? I could write volumes on that. Gentle Reader, in this category, you’re reading the beginnings of those volumes. Why, I and my team could even create an app for that.
But part 1, how to stop? The opponent is a ripped grappler in a cunning position.
“Anne, my son just got arrested again for possession. Please, please can you help him?”
Am I’m supposed to say, “Sorry, he has to hit bottom.”? Or “If he’s still using, he’s not ready”?
“Anne, I want to stop. I just can’t seem to. Help me!”
I’m to answer, “You must not be ready”?
I type those sentences and feel passion and heat take me to the mat. No. I refuse to utter those words. I do not, and cannot, believe them.
It is imperative that I understand how I, and others, stopped so that I can pass it on. It’s that simple. I will continue to wrestle this question until I pin it.
Anne, I understand your frustration at trying to figure out the “how”, not only for yourself, but also to be able to help others. Unfortunately, there really are no easy answers. As you know, recovery is a very individual prosses. I believe the “how ” and the “why” both need to be discovered by the individual.
As a person who’s been in recovery for many years, unfortunately I have come to believe that the best help I can give to someone asking for help is many times, just to listen. Listen to the pain, humiliation, anger, hurt, confusion, fear. Listen to the frustration and the almost unbearable loneliness.
After many years of trying to help a family member of my own, I have come to that place that all I am able and willing to give is the time to listen. I could easily solve all of my family members problems by the simple act of writing a check, again. If I were to do so, again, what would she learn? Watching and hearing this person suffer the consequences of their actions is incredibly painful, for me. Hearing the complete bafflement of “how did I end up here? This wasn’t the way my life was supposed to be.” It is also eerily familiar.
It takes what it takes, live and let live. I struggle with these daily, in response to this person. I struggle with the grace I have been given, with sobriety. Why me and not them?
The only answer I have been able to come up with, is that I was finally sick and tired of being sick and tired. I was finally willing to do the incredibly hard work needed to achieve sobriety. I continue on a daily basis to be willing to maintain that hard won sobriety.
Thankfully, so do you.
What a thoughtful, generous comment, Kelly! Thank you!
Let me offer you a hypothetical situation.
These are your premises and they make sense when one is dealing with individuals:
>I believe the “how ” and the “why” both need to be discovered by the individual.
>It takes what it takes, live and let live.
What about working with groups of individuals?
Let’s suppose you are one of half a dozen people seated in a room. You’ll be seated with them for two hours. Each person has had some success with staying clean and sober for short periods of time. Everyone wants to stop for good. You have the longest clean and sober time.
Are you saying that the best thing you could do would be to listen the entire two hours? A lot of people grind on and on about their problems, sometimes using the very telling of their stories to get a bit of an emotional “high.” Would you say, “Recovery is an individual process,” and sit in silence for two hours, waiting for the time to be up because, well, it’s individual so there’s nothing another individual can do?
I’ve stated this extremely but it’s the essence of my dilemma. The research is full of studies that show that group therapy helps reduce drinking and using. In fact, the research is full of studies that show that pretty much any treatment is better than no treatment in reducing use! As a group therapist, is all I have to do to be helpful to show up and sit in the room with the group members?! I seek to optimize their experience!
If you have ideas about this scenario, I welcome them.
And thank you again so much for helping me explore this complex and oh-so-important question!
If only it were that easy, right? No, in a group setting listening is only a small part. (To qualify, I have been in this situation many, many times.) You need to lead so you give a short synopsis of your story, and I usually open up to questions from the group. If I find that some are grinding on, I ask them to please make their point without all the drama.
By sharing a part of my story, I’m showing that I do get what they’re going through. It’s tough, I know. You can’t fix them, as no one could fix you. It is up to the individual.
I try to get them to see the underlying problem, as there almost always is. We drink or drug to cover up whatever it is we are unable or unwilling to face, feel, accept, admit…whatever.
There is no quick fix. Recovery usually involves many months, if not years, of ongoing soul searching, brutal honesty, and it’s very hard. I have found this seems to be the reason so many fail. It’s hard enough to be honest with ourselves, much less to admit our deepest, darkest, thoughts, feelings and actions to another person.