To foster a strengths-based, solutions-focused approach to couples’ concerns, answering these questions may be helpful.
- What strengths does our partnership have?
- What did we used to do together that worked for both of us?
- What are we doing now together that works?
- What individual strengths do I bring to the partnership?
- What individual strengths does my partner bring to the partnership?
- How are we doing with expressions of affection and with sexual intimacy?
- How are we doing with spending time together?
- How are we doing with communication?
- How are we doing with resolving conflicts?
- What is our method for negotiating mutually beneficial solutions?
- We thought love, regard, good intentions, and _________ would be enough. What are the surprising, unanticipated challenges that have arisen in our partnership?
- Oops, my perceptions of my partner have changed! Opposites are both true! When we were first together, I took delight in my partner’s ________, ________, and ________. The flip side of these traits is they also are ________, ________, and ________.
- Hey, we were taught that we were supposed to be each other’s everything! What needs and wants do I try to get met by my partner? What is reasonable and unreasonable to expect? Might finding other ways to get my needs and wants met take some pressure off the relationship?
- What are the top 3 external stressors impacting our partnership?
- What individual problems do I think I bring to the partnership?
- What individual problems do I think the other person brings to the partnership?
- Am I clear on my contributions to the endings of former relationships?
- What beliefs about how couples should be do I bring to the relationship?
- What beliefs about how couples should be do I think the other person brings to the partnership?
- What haven’t we told the other person about ourselves and its impact on our partnership?
- How willing are we to work together on the problems in our partnership?
- How willing is each individual to work independently on individual problems?
- Given our awareness of our partnership’s strengths, our individual strengths, our clarity on what’s currently going on with us, and the level of our willingness to take action at the individual and partnership levels, what are next steps for us? If we intend to continue the partnership, what specifically shall we do to strengthen it?
Information gained from each person taking this assessment independently may be helpful.
Logistics
Dealbreakers and antidotes
Avoiding dealbreakers in relationships is crucial. Here’s an overview of the damage done by criticism, contempt, defensiveness and stonewalling (withdrawing and refusing to engage). Here’s a related 2-minute video. Here are the antidotes.
Relational self-awareness
- The Most Crucial Trait to Look for in a Partner, Alexandra Solomon, Ph.D., 2017
- Dating with Relational Self-Awareness, interview with Alexandra Solomon, Ph.D., 2022
- Parts 1 and 2 of Loving Bravely: Twenty Lessons of Self-Discovery to Help You Get the Love You Want, by Alexandra Solomon, Ph.D.
Enrichment
- Consider the concepts of limerence vs. bonding in this interview with Dr. Rose Wesche.
- Consider this question – “And how are you crazy?” – from “Why You Will Marry the Wrong Person,” by Alain de Botton.
- Consider your answers to The 36 Questions That Lead to Love, by Daniel Jones.
- Consider watching a video of couples answering The 36 Questions That Lead to Love.
- Become aware of what you are feeling and thinking as you learn of Mark and Mandy’s signed relationship contract from “To Stay in Love, Sign on the Dotted Line,” by Mandy Len Catron.
- Consider reading the Foreword and Chapters 1-3 in Sensate Focus in Sex Therapy: The Illustrated Manual, Linda Weiner and Constance Avery-Clark, 2017
- Consider reading Loving Bravely: Twenty Lessons of Self-Discovery to Help You Get the Love You Want, Alexandra Solomon, Ph.D., 2017
- Consider reading Love Cycles: The Five Essential Stages of Lasting Love, Linda Carroll, 2014
- For lovers of all ages, consider Naked at Our Age: Talking Out Loud About Senior Sex (2011). Author Joan Price approaches the realities of sexuality and intimacy more directly than most writers and her wisdom offers sound guidance for lovers of any age.
This content is for informational purposes only and is not a substitute for medical or professional advice. Consult a qualified health care professional for personalized medical and professional advice.
