Today, I have been abstinent from alcohol for 26 months and 3 weeks, a total of 812 days.
I wish I had been told on day one that I would feel better.
. . . . .
You will feel better.
Here’s why.
The Problem
You have 1) tough thoughts and 2) tough feelings. They wear you out, hold you down, beat you down, tear you up. It makes perfect sense that you take action not to have them. Whatever actions you have taken that have become problematic for you – drinking, using drugs, gambling, eating, cutting, serial relationships, etc. – their primary purpose is to help you handle tough thoughts and tough feelings.
What you don’t have are skills to handle tough thoughts and feelings without taking those problematic actions. You’re not bad or wrong. There are reasons. For now, all you need to know, though, is that you don’t have those skills. Yet. They can be learned. Therein lies hope.
But add the intensity of the distressed thoughts and feelings that come with abstinence, and this moment, right here, right now, feels unbearable. And so does the next one. And the next one.
You can see why learning to handle thoughts and feelings is now your top priority. You’ll drink or use or do again if you don’t.
The Solution
Set up each day to help you handle tough thoughts and tough feelings. Put aside everything else and focus all your attention on how to help yourself tolerate, live with, accept, fight against, breathe in, stumble through and survive tough thoughts and tough feelings.
So let’s see if you’ve got this. You’re going to be pummeled by massive, excruciating thoughts and feelings at the same time as you’ll only just be learning a tiny bit about how to ease their impact. It’s crazy. Yet, this is exactly what needs to be done.
You can see why few are able to do it alone. If it were easier to do alone, you would already being it doing it. You’re going to need help from others, not because you’re a weak, shameful loser, but because you’re simply new to this. You need coaching and time to learn.
And get this: you can’t do it alone, but you’re the one who has to do it. It’s crazy. But it’s got to be done.
Get Started
Prior to every action you think of taking or every word you’re about to speak, ask yourself, “Is this helping me handle thoughts and feelings in a healthy way?” If it’s not, don’t do it. If you’re not sure, run it by someone who’s been abstinent or in addictions recovery longer than you have. Much of what you think to do and say in early recovery will not be helpful because it’s intertwined with former, problematic ways of handling thoughts and feelings. Again, you’re not bad and wrong. You just haven’t learned better or other ways yet. That’s to be expected.
As you help yourself handle thoughts and feelings, the intense distress you feel during early abstinence will decrease over time.
Although it seems impossible now, you will feel better.
. . . . .
I am working on a book manuscript. Other posts in the book manuscript series:
- You Are Your Own Addictions Treatment Provider
- Why Attend Addictions Recovery Support Groups? The Reasons Aren’t What You Might Think
- How to Make 12-Step Recovery Meetings Work for You
- Letter to Myself at Two Years Sober
The most popular post on this blog so far: Abstinence Is Not a Choice
I am writing a first-person narrative of my own recovery story in this category.
