What If

What if I weren’t an alcoholic, but had alcoholism?

What if alcoholism – an inability to stop drinking and stay stopped – was not a mental disorder that I had brought on myself through lack of character and will power, but, as Lance Dodes asserts, the symptom of a psychological problem that developed over time?

What if, with help, I could identify that psychological problem?

What if, with help, I could solve and heal that problem?

Photo of dewdrops by Nancy BrauerWouldn’t that mean that the symptom of the psychological problem – addiction to alcohol – would no longer soak my soul but inevitably evaporate like raindrops and tears?

If that were the case, then I wouldn’t have to grieve beyond bearing addiction dissolving a part of my self. My self would be intact.

I wouldn’t have to feel terrible shame and guilt for letting myself become an alcoholic being. Alcoholism wouldn’t be something I was but something I was doing as a result of a psychological problem.

In your company, I wouldn’t have to feel small, diminished, one-down, lessened, apologetic. I wouldn’t have to think, “I’m so sorry. You used to get the whole me and now I’m only partial. I know I am so disappointing.”

And when we’re together or in the same room together, if I experience you as perceiving yourself in the company of a pitiful invalid, or as distancing yourself from a tainted pariah, I could feel compassion.

I used to think that way, too.

Photo by Nancy Brauer

Comments

  1. Maggie Penix says

    Well, after spending time with you this past week, I see the strong woman that I have known for many years, meeting a challenge in her life head on and just like all of us, has stumbled in the process, but most importantly, had gotten back up. We all have challenges on one level or another, and it’s how we face them that we should be judged on, not what they are. You, Anne, are one to admire!